Talk:The anger unleashed:The attack on Mariejois/@comment-3986064-20120524180158
Rizza, I must say your writing style is extraoirdinary >_>. Reading this was delightful! But I saw some gaps in the content: The Gorosei who are at the top of the world would not fear anything, no matter what, I am absolutely sure that even if they are not as strong as THT thinks, they at least have haki. Meaning they would not be surprised or even fear someone at Dice's level. Also from how they acted in Robin's flashback, I believe they would at least say something such as calling Dice a fool, before he gets pwned away. A shinobi in the OP world was alright at the start... but then certain things such as "enemies of the WG like pirates". In the real world, shinobi were hired by the government or worked for themselves, but weren't actually against the Governmnet, ofc they appeared, because they wanted to fight the Government, but their role changed as it was impossible to defeat all of Japan when you had such a small group so working for the Government was the best choice to make. (There were more clans so the Government was divided to each feudal lord, but all of Japan "belonged" to the Shogun). The other thing that seemed really weird to me and I would not accept such a thing in the OP world was the word "chakra". It is absolutely impossible for such a word to appear in One Piece. It is unoriginal and to the OP world it's really weird. Weapons are either normal weapons, original weapons or Devil Fruits. So having it like that seems outrageous to me. (correct me if I'm wrong with the historical facts) I also saw a lack of dialogue from Aokiji and Kizaru... It would be character development for One Piece characters The fight was pretty interesting other than that and the form of writing is really good. I really enjoyed reading this. So as for advice and no more criticism: Whenever thinking of a story, think up what will happen in the future and prepare in time the character's reactions and the events. You should also think everytime of the surroundings in which the characters are. For example, Oda made Luffy pick his nose like nothing was happening to enhance his character EVEN when he was there, in front of Robin and the CP9. Even then, he picked his nose. Ofc when fighting it's another story, but on moments like those, it's simply amazing. It was also amazing how you thought up the spy and the Sabaody Archipelago parts since it was a great analysis on Dice's situation, trying to get to Mariejois is not so far away from Sabaody! (Didn't think about something like that) So you already succeeded in that partially. Just keep up the good work and also, try to be better with characters. Writing style:10 Story: 10 Character: 6 Fights: 7 (mainly because of chakra) Overall: 8 For your first time, it was great sis! I can't wait to read more from you! Just keep up the good work!